For Daughters on Mother’s Day when their Mothering wasn’t enough…..
I get it. We all love warm and gushy feelings. It is far easier to discuss the light and feel good things than to peer into the dark or things that make us feel heavy and burdened because we know what to do with the light. We can pass the light on, keep it shining and make it even more beautiful if we can.
But what about the darkness and heavy feeling topics. Should they be ignored, unexplored, or forgotten. After all we wouldn’t even know light if not for darkness. Technically – Scientifically – the light can not exist without the dark. Why then do we avoid dark topics? Especially around those people, places and things that we are oftentimes told we MUST admire because the infallibility of them we perceive based on the character we assume they must possess due to them performing basic deeds and acts. So if someone donates to charity we assume they are a charitable person. If someone points out they donated for a tax break we may jump down their throats with all kinds of retorts. A conversation around the plausibility of their statement isn’t even allowed. It seems that we may allow positive assumptions around a positive role but shirk negative ones. But this seems to have it’s limits to certain people. We may love our family irrespective of their imperfections – but we would not do the same for a described dictator. We think that one deserves a higher regard irrespective of their actions, while the other is inexcusable. But Is there really a difference between them? For instance, we are often made to be kind to family members that have used or abused us. However, in the age of Donald Trump do we see the racists as family men/women that many are and often do a great job with their role or do we assume that their whole lives are filled with hate? Most times we give our family members the benefit of doubt while the racist must be horrible all around. I am not brining this out for you to embrace racists or to throw your family away, but instead to incite thought about who we extend all our grace to and why we choose to do so. Mostly though for us to become more comfortable with discussing the light and the dark to understand that they co-exist and that dark nor light can ever be driven away completely. Also, that sometimes the dark is more pronounced than the light or vice versa but even in those moments, each still exists. This is not a bad thing — it just is.
On the heels of Mother’s day, I got to see the beautiful glimmering stories about Mother’s and I love it. I especially love that people have had nurturing, supportive relationships with their Mother’s which they can speak about and continues to create happy memories. When we think about mother we think of nurturing, caring, someone who did everything for us without complaint, accepted us without judgement, said she loved us regularly and with big hugs.
However, what about those who did not have these experiences? Can they speak their truth and it be understood, not judged? Does the “but she is your mother”, “she did the best she could” offer true consolation for a woman who was abused, mentally, physically, spiritually by her earthly vessel give her any solace? Unfortunately – It does not! Instead it suppresses the individuals need to speak their truth and does not allow the dark side of mothering to be illuminated as it should.
Many will not believe the experiences of many women or think their story about their mother is an exaggeration. While we all have to forgive our Mother’s for something or believe their is something they could have done differently there are many narcissistic, un-nurturing, sociopath, grimy mothers who have committed acts against children that do not warrant forgiveness. Some children have to work through their traumas and create boundaries in order to build their best lives. Many mothers are able to play the “i’m a great mother” act through manipulating the outward view of mothering such as a well-kept child or being able to purchase the child(ren) anything they desire. I am not talking about the mother’s who tried and refined their processes and really did do what they felt were best – I am speaking on the mindset that mother knows best and at all cost. Oftentimes the cost is the child’s mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Many of these types of mother’s won’t admit their wrongs or even have a conversation around why what was done could be refined. This is tough for a child.
The amount of reflection mothering and true self-care a mother requires in order to flourish is immense. This is oftentimes not understood or extended to mothers in our current society for some reason.
Furthermore, contrary to popular belief being a Mother does not automatically make you nurturing, loving, accepting, and able to do all things all the time. However, I do believe, as the bearers of legacy and culture we have the unique opportunity to fine tune, refine and change legacy through our reflection and self-care (my definition being the mental, spiritual and physical care required to be your best self). In our current societal thought process Mother’s who “do the best that they can” (which too often means repeating negative generational patterns hinged on basic survival and not having agency over their parenting) do not owe their children an explanation or apology for the slights done to the unique souls they bring into this world, or that the children do not get to speak on the wounds created – perpetuates a mindset about Mothering that can be dangerous for future generations and mothers individuals’ personal development. Unfortunately, oftentimes a child’s complaints that he/she was hurt often falls on deaf ears. But shutting them down only leads to unresolved pain and missed opportunity to evolve the family’s story and renew the collective blueprint for Mothering into something that is principled, evolving and co-creative.
Perhaps the un/under mothered child can teach us how to raise generations more effectively, to develop a code of conduct in our family’s and communities that honors children and women in ways that allows Mothering to be seen as honorable again. I believe that centuries of history of patriarchal mindset and women’s right to have women when they choose and with whom as well as wealth have severely hampered a great number of women’s ability to effectively parent. This is not an excuse but a window to peer through to unravel generational stories, myths, and actions that have kept many of our children hurting and ill-equipped to focus on parenting using universal principle embracing the light and dark of people without bypassing it’s reality but to allow more light to shine that is based on the living of deep truths, not hiding of the shadows.
It is time for us to communicate better, heal old pains, have a deeper understanding of ourselves through our mothers, and not be afraid of the stories that we may not understand.
Listen in to this message below for the 2018 Mother’s Day Message. #MothersDayEveryday
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